remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
