Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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