Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
