Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
