News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize