oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize