I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
