i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
