had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
