if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
