I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
