At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize