Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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