i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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