I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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