i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
