I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
