Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
