I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Bring me that man meat
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
