his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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