i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How drunk are you?
Completed.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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