Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
