dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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