We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
