I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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