Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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