I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
