i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
