If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
