just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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