hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just cut my nipple shaving
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
