I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
