I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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