I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize