Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
