Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
