The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
