it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
