Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
