So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
