how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you never un-have a 4some
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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