i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
