I will die if light touches me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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