I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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