How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
