Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
