I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize