You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
