woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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