as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
