im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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