I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize