i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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