I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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