I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
