I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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