Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
