did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
