I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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