The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
