and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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