So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
