I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
