Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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